Sunday, June 05, 2005
~Thoughts & Self-reflection~
Warning: Really, really long entry...and probably boring too....
I've been getting real emo these few days. Thinking about a lot of my feelings. I realise I'm not happy these few days. The only thing that keeps me happy is that I'm going home soon; gonna see my my mum and dad who is coming soon, gonna see my grandma's lovely face again and taste her (though not so delicious these days due to her tastebuds deterioriating) meals prepared with much love.
A couple of nights ago, childhood memories flashed past my mind. It almost seemed like I was dying; you know how they always say that your life flashes past you when you're dying? How I yearn to be a child again. So free and without worries. Not knowing the evil and bitchy side of this world. I cried myself to sleep.....
I wanna be free. To do and say whatever I please. Without caring others opinions and impression of me. Hoping in that way I would be happy. But somehow, deep inside I know I won't. I'm too self-conscious. I like people to think good thoughts about me. But somehow, that always fail as well.
When I try to be humble, people say I'm proud and stuck-up. When I show sympathy, they think I'm mocking them. I like to be a pleaser, giving in to almost everything and that's why i'm a push-over and everyone takes advantage.
I'm naturally shy, and once again, people think I'm proud and arrogant. "You? Shy?" laughs everyone. The confidence you see is just on the surface; a facade I put on when I'm actually shivering and hiding in a corner inside. Maybe that's why I'm perceive as being arrogant; looking all confident but withdrawn and unapproachable.
Why am I always perceived in a wrong way? When will someone see me for who I really am? This is the reason I started the blog and hence the name. Only when I write my entries I do not have to put on a facade and no longer is a paradox.
I read a quote a long time ago that says something like you can't please everyone, there's someone who will bound to hate you and in the end, you will hate yourself the most.
I'm not trying to make everyone like me. I know there are bound to be people that hate me and likewise, there are bound to be people I hate. But I try my best to stop that from happening. Maybe that's what is happening to me.....I'm hating myself the most.....
I remember a time when I was so carefree and innocent. Not giving a damn about what others think. All that changed when I was in pri. 4. 'cos you see, it's not easy being 10 and in a class where more than half the class despise you 'cos they think you don't deserve being in the same league as them b'cos you are "stupider" than them. And have someone confront you, saying that you don't deserve to be in the best class and she should be in there instead because you are "stupider" than her.
It is then I started becoming withdrawn. I started doing things I have never done before. I was always a good kid and did all my work. But that year, I hardly touch 80% of my work. I hate my teachers and they hate me.
That was one of the darkest stage of my life and the shadow of it is still hovering around me. Thinking back, I was probably depressed. No one knew about this until now that I had spilled it out. My parents never knew and probably will never know 'cos my family is not one who talks about our feelings openly.
If they had known, I wonder if all this will end up differently? They always say that your past mold you into what you are today. I think that was the first step in molding me.....
I penned @ 2:42 pm
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