Sunday, June 26, 2005
~V. random & bo liao~
As the title suggest, this entry is gonna be about really random stuff and quite possibly bo liao too. So if you are in a rush or if ur time is too precious to be wasted, don't bother continuing.
Hey guys! yup, guess my hiatus haven really started. Manage to come in to squeeze an entry out. There, there, before you accuse me of abandoning my mum to do my own stuff, let me tell you that she is suffering from jet-lag and is already prancing around in dreamland.
It's only 8++pm here but I might join her soon. I slept at ard 2am lahz, and woke up at 6.30am.
Let me show you the "ghost" town.
Yup, that's how it is on a sunday morning. Everyone is still soundly asleep so the streets are empty.
I took a really cute pic of "someone". Everyone meet Henry!
Haha! I'm so bo liao. Don't why I wanna show you these pictures. Ok lahz, actually I do know. Firstly, 'cos I bo liao lorz. Secondly, 'cos Henry is cute mahz. And thirdly, 'cos I wanna try out blogspot picture uploading function lorz. Didn't really realise they had this function. Call me slow, but since when have one ar? Oh ya, and it took me 5 tries to get the pictures to upload! So it's not that efficient yet.
P.S., If you are still wondering what Henry is, it's a vaccuum cleaner lahz.....
I penned @ 8:37 pm
1 comments
~My big break~
I should be sleeping.....'cos I needa wake up in less than 6 hours. I need to go to manchester airport to pick up my mum!
Yup, my mum is somewhere in the air now. She will reach here in less than 6 hours time, meaning she's more than half-way across already!
Since my mum will be here, I might not have time to blog anymore. So I'll be on hiatus. The next time you hear from me, I will probably be back in s'pore already!
Time flies. Less than a month and I'll be back! If I'm counting down for my pregnancy, I would have already given birth to a full-term baby 2 or 3 weeks ago. Gosh, I'm here for 41 weeks already!
I penned @ 12:33 am
0 comments
Friday, June 24, 2005
~Speaking of heavy~
I just weighed myself today during dinner. Yes, I got up half-way while eating, as I spotted my flatmate's weighing machine and weighed myself.
I didn't really wanna weigh 'cos of the horror that I might put on loads of weight! I know that I've put on weight but I didn't exactly wanna know by how much! I was so scared to see that my weight is 60kg! By the way, I'm only 1.6m so yes, I'm overweight.
But the contradiction was that I do wanna know how much I weigh. As I stepped on the machine, I was waiting in anticipation. Horror-stuck! Or rather a really puzzled-look plastered itself on my face.
I can't believe the weight I'm seeing! "No! This can't be it", I thought. I was waiting for the needle to go past 50kg so that I could close my eyes and just peep at the weight hoping by doing that I won't be so horrified. But I was wrong. It never came! I mean the moment when the needle go pass 50kg.
It stopped at 50! Or rather it's a little short of 50. Around 49.5kg.
This is impossible! I can't be 50kg! I know I've put on weight and before I came here I was 55kg! I told my k-po flatmate who came to see my weight that it's impossible. She was like no, it's correct, if it is not, that's mean I did not lose weight. My the other flatmate then volunteer to weigh herself and check if the weighing machine is right since she knows her weight and she proclaim that it is right!
It's not right I tell ya. I know it is not! I blame it on the gravity. If I'm not wrong, I think I've read before that at different parts on earth there is different gravitational force. So there, that explains why I'm lighter here!
Hmm...if that's true....I wonder is that why people here don't think they are overweight although they really are. 'cos we weigh heavier at s'pore mahz but lighter here. You get what I mean? You know, for example, like me. I weigh myself at s'pore and think, "alamak, I'm overweight." Then when I come here I see someone the same size as me and think she like me, overweight, but she don't think so 'cos she knows her weight here and it's in the ok region.
Then again, the overweight region here is higher than in s'pore. 55kg for me in s'pore would be overweight and here would be ok. So won't that mean that those who are overweight and obese are even more overweight and obese than they think they are?
I penned @ 11:26 pm
0 comments
Thursday, June 23, 2005
~He ain't heavy, he's my brother (v. long post)~
I just finished watching "A Lot Like Love". Yes, I should be ashame..doing illegal stuff yet again....Anyway, I liked it. It's not that the storyline is really fabulous or anything. But what influenced me wha the songs in it! I love the songs in it!
Shame...the soundtrack does not have the song I love most in the movie, Bon Jovi's I'll be there for you.
I guess this time you're really leaving,
I heard your suitcase say goodbye.
As my broken heart lies bleeding,
You say true love is suicide.
You say you've cried a thousand rivers,
And now you're swimming for the shore.
You left me drowning in my tears,
And you won't save me anymore.
I'm praying to God, for one more chance.
I'll be there for you, these five words I swear to you.
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.
I'd live and I'd die for you,
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you.
Words can't say what love can do,
I'll be there for you.
I know you know we've had some good times,
Now they have their own hiding place.
I can promise you tomorrow,
But I can't buy back yesterday.
And baby you know my hands are dirty,
But I wanted to be your Valentine.
I'll be the water if you get thirsty baby.
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine.
I'll be there for you, these five words I swear to you.
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.
I'd live and I'd die for you,
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you.
Words can't say what love can do,
I'll be there for you.
I wasn't there when you were happy,
And I wasn't there when you were down.
I didn't mean to miss your birthday,
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out.
I'll be there for you, these five words I swear to you.
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.
I'd live and I'd die for you,
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you.
Words can't say what love can do,
I'll be there for you.
Well, anyway, this wasn't what I really wanna talk about.
I ordered my graduation ceremony gown today. At the same time, I ordered a package for photos as well. I ordered this graduation package which provides 2 family photos as well. Aahhh...but it won't be a complete family 'cos you see my brother won't be coming down.
When it dawned upon me, I suddenly wished my bro would come to my graduation and take the family photo together as well. I wanted him to be in the picture! Yes, I admit, I'm closer to my brother and love him more than I like to admit it.
It's been a year & a half since I last saw him. It's been a long time since I can "fight" and argue with someone. It's been a long time since I had someone I'm always whining and irritating out of.
My brother is a few months short of 5 years older than me. But I remember when I was in secondary school, I talked to one of my classmates about my brother. Something along the line of me having to do something for him. And she thought that I had a younger brother instead of an elder one!
It's true that my bro doesn't really do the role of an elder sibling well. I used to have to wake him up, cook or buy food for him and clean up after him. But he did do all those for me that holiday before he went to melbourne. I was shocked when one day he just went out and came back with lunch for me.
He calls me names. Things like fatso, fat pig, ben zhu. Even now on MSN, he keeps irritating me with this "Ni shi zhu" animated emoticon. But I know he loves me to bits too, in his own way. I know his secret of telling his friends his sis is a chio bu (ok, stop puking guys), what disappointment they will get when they finally sees me.
I've stop calling him "kor kor" a very long time ago. It was due to defiance on my part. When I was 8, I decided to call him by his name b'cos I thought that it was unfair that he got to call me by my name while I had to call him "kor kor". I want to start calling him "kor kor" again, 'cos it's so loving don't you think so? Maybe those of you who are used to it won't think so but it is.
I would say I'm closer to my bro than to my parents. This would be b'cos I'm always the first one to realise his secrets and he would be the first to realise mine (though I think he knows less of my secrets than I know his and I take a shorter time to find out about his). The irritating thing is, I never tell on his secrets but he always tells on mine! That's how I know he knows my secrets and that's how I know that I know more of his secrets than he knows! Haha!
One thing I love about my bro is that he's "generous". No, he does not shower me with presents. It's a different kind of generosity. Let me explain. You see, I think I'm the kind of sibling every sibling loves to hate. Why? B'cos of my dad. I'm the apple of his eye...like I said before, he gives me almost everything I want.
What to do? I'm a girl, "there"-ing my father is easier mahz. B'cos of that, there's lots of thing my bro can be jealous and hate me for. For example, my bro's pager, 1st handphone and driving lessons were paid out of his own pockets. Mine? Yes, you've guessed it, my darling daddy paid them.
My bro may be a little jealous at times but he does not hate me or get angry at me. In fact, sometimes, he put it to his advantage. For example, getting a PS2. He wants one and he asked me to ask my dad for one. "Why me?", I whined at him, "You are the one who wants it and will play with it most of the time." "B'cos you are daddy's girl", he said.
Nope, I didn't ask dad for one....at least not right away. In the meantime, he pestered my dad for one and try to entice me with the games I could play. Dad still not giving in, I gave in (he can whine too you know!) Together we pester dad...ah...he's softening. But let me tell you one thing about my dad too, he can be a miser. He did not agree to get it until me and bro suggest that he get it as a combine x'mas present for the both of us. So he got it, but he didn't pay a single cent. Haha! But that's another issue and I can't remember if bro and I still manage to get x'mas presents claiming that he got it free so it didn't count. Haha!
Gosh, I do miss my bro! With our fighting childhood and getting closer when we're both in our teens. The times I lied on his bed and fell asleep while waiting for him to finish playing games on the computer so I could use it. Waking up to find that he had off the computer and went to sleep...on my bed!
Those were the times.....
I penned @ 11:18 pm
0 comments
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
~I did it!~
I feel zombie-like now. I'm so tired. Head is pounding. No idea what time I slept last night...but it's late...or rather early in the morning and woke up at 9am. Yes, I sleep like a pig...I need my beauty sleeps!
Why did I wake up so early? I went to uni to look for a lecturer to return to him the report that I had borrowed for my project. First thing he said, or rather second b'cos he had to apologize for being late, was congratulation. I was like huh? But still managed to say thanks though I don't know for what.
Then he said, "you must be pleased with your results!" Oic...that's what he's talking about. Eh...problem...I don't know my results! Haha! And I told him so. He looked a bit shock. Haha...so he sees me as those kiasu type who knows when my results are out and wait for it so I can know it the min it's out.
Anyway he proceeded to tell me I've got a 2.1! Yes! Couldn't help but grin like a cheshire cat! Showed me my transcript and asked if that was what I expected. Hell no! Of cos I didn't say that. I managed to keep my calm (although I'm shell-shocked and leaping with estasy inside) and said, "No. I didn't expect it at all. I was thinking that I would get a 2.2. I wasn't confident of getting a 2.1."
Woo Hoo! I can remove that one point from my wishlist now, I've got it! Eh...but looking at the transcript, really everything I wasn't expecting. Damn external examiner...he marked down my project! Or so my project tutor said...I believe him 'cos he's a nice guy and did I ever mentioned that the first impression he gave me was einstein? He has a head of white hair that curls and looks like those of einstein's! Ops, back to topic....yes, damn the external examiner! I was hoping to get a distinction for my project and now I'm 1 mark short b'cos of him! or maybe her!
Then comes the module I thought I might fail b'cos I practically didn't do one whole question. I only had 15 mins to do it and came up with 1.5 pages of answers which I don't even think is relavent. Somehow I managed to pass it and it isn't just pass 40% on the dot, I still got 54%! Haha!
Calculating the marks I've got for one other module just shocked me even more. 'cos you see, I know all my in-course assessments'(ICA) marks for that module and by calculating back I can figure out how much I got for exams. And the resultant exam marks was 70.4%! Gosh! A distinction mark for exams??? Oh well, but I didn't do well enough for my ICAs to get a overall distinction for the module.
Really happy with myself. I acheived my aim at last! Haven done that in a very long time, at least for acedemic wise. Yeah...haven wasted my mummy's pension money to send me here!
I penned @ 11:02 pm
2 comments
Sunday, June 19, 2005
~Ooooh....I see....~
After so many memes being passed around the blogosphere, I finally learn the true definition of it after watching Big Brother (BB) today.
Call me slow, call me vocabulary challenged but it took me to realise the meaning of meme only after hearing a language/character analyst explain it. Basically, it's a information that is replicated and passed from mind to mind, causing it to propagate.
It's interesting isn't it? Well, I find it so. 'Cos most of the time, something becomes a meme unconsciously. Most of the time, we don't realise we are propagating it and had made it a meme!
The example used in BB was the phrase "at the end of the day". It was used over 200 times within 24 days! And it was interesting to see that one guy used it on the first day and subsequently, everyone in the house had used it at least once. They were just repeating those words subconsciously!
The analyst gave some theories about memes. He said that memes usually give a big effect and that's why people pay attention to it and catch on to it. For example like the phrase "at the end of the day", it gives a feeling of conclusion. It's like saying, "Ok, listen up. This is the important point" and you're basically putting what you are gonna say after that into a bold box.
I do agree with him. I also have some thoughts myself. I think in order for something to be a catch-phrase and end up being a meme, it must not be too personalised. In that I mean, the phrase must be simple and something that everyone can use. If you make it too fanciful or too personalised, when someone else says it, everyone will know that he copied you straight away. You get what I mean?
It does not have to mean much as well! As long as the person you used it on understands what you are trying to say. Like "at the end of the day", what does it exactly means. Or an expression like "wah lao", "abudden" or "duh". No exact meaning is there? But almost everyone uses it and understands it!
Or it can have lots of meanings but when used in different situation it would mean different thing. For example, "oic". It can mean ok, alright, uh huh, i understand or can be used when you have nothing to say but want to say something.
I guess this is how slang comes about huh?
Well, at the end of the day, I guess when you hang around with a bunch of people you do repeat and start to talk like them unknowingly. Don't you think so? *grinz*
I penned @ 11:42 pm
0 comments
Saturday, June 18, 2005
~Irony~
Guang Liang - Tong Hua
English translation
Forgotten how long it has been,
Since I've last heard you,
Telling me your favourite story.
I've been thinking for a very long time,
I'm beginning to feel paranoid,
Did I make any mistakes again?
You came and tell me with the tears in your eyes,
That fairy tales are all lies,
It's impossible for me to be your prince charming,
Maybe you will not understand,
From the moment that you said you loved me,
In my sky, the stars start to twinkle.
I want to become,
like in the fairy tales,
the angel that you've loved.
Open my arms wide,
And let it become wings to protect you,
You have to believe,
Believe that we will be like the fairy tale,
With happiness and joy as the ending.
Together we will write our own ending.
I love this song. It's on repeat mode now. Yes, the lyrics is beautiful. Romantic isn't it? Haha...but the irony is...at the moment I'm feeling pretty quite the opposite.
When I first I heard it, I thought that it was sweet but I wasn't really into it. But now I am, b'cos I'm more or less sneering at the lyrics. Get a grip! There's no such person/romance on earth man. Or maybe there is and I'm just being cynical.
But after seeing and experiencing so much heartbreaks, I'm beginning to think true love between a guy and a girl does not exist. Romance is dead. Full Stop. Period.
I penned @ 11:36 pm
0 comments
~Thanks for ruining my day!~
I was having a lovely day. My definition of a lovely day is one whereby I have to do absolutely nothing. Just relax and chill the day away. Better if you have friends and love ones who will spend the day like that with you.
Until YOU came and tell me stop wasting my time. Yes, I agree that's wasting time. So? Most people will say watching tv is wasting time but most still do it anyway. That's the way I relax. BY DOING NOTHING! Anyway, I have nothing that I must do now while I'm here so why can't I waste my time? It's my time, I can waste it if I want!
So what it's out of concern or care that YOU are telling me to stop wasting time? YOU know that is the biggest mistake to do! I HATE PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH MY TIME! Oh, YOU didn't know I don't like it? I told YOU before. Oh, YOU forgot? That's the thing with YOU. Nothing is ever important enough for you to remember. ME, it seems, included.
I won't be upset if others did it to me. But it's YOU. YOU've changed. YOUR priorities changed. Is money and success that important? So important that everything else becomes secondary? YOUR own happiness (at least for the moment, I know YOU will tell me YOU will be happy after YOU have achieve success) included? YOU are willing to forgo everything? If the answer is yes, then let me tell YOU this, YOU are slowly losing me and one day, just one day, YOU might lose me forever.....
I penned @ 5:43 pm
1 comments
Friday, June 17, 2005
~oh oh!~
I got my lazy arse out for some shopping today. Actually shopping is more like walking for me. It's my form of exercise here. Besides, I hardly buy anything 'cos everything is so ex!
I went in to the disney shop. Oh oh! Not a good idea! Those who know me know that I am a big stuffed toy fan. I saw little roo from winnie the pooh and I went weak at the knees. I just got to get it. Firstly, it's b'cos it's so cute and secondly, they hardly have little roo on its own, it's normally with his mum, Kanga.
I wanted to get an Irish Pooh as well. (They have these pooh dress in different costume to represent different nationality) B'cos I do not have a chance to go to Ireland, the land my great-grand-dad is from, this time round. I even thought of a name for it already while still looking around! But I saw something else that caught my eye and I ended up with this......
Yes, the whole family of pooh! yes, they are tied to my bag using rubber bands (or bobbles as they call it here). And yes, I'm quite a fanatic with winnie the pooh due to my craze over tigger and little roo.
And there you go...23 pound spent in disney shop. That's almost S$70! I just know my mum will scream when she sees it next week......and I still might get the Irish Pooh!
I finally managed to get 2 prezzies for my friends as well. As for what they are and who are they for, you will juz have to wait until I go back and give it to you! Let you xin yang yang (direct translation: heart itchy itchy).
Haha...let's see if you can guess it! Clue 1: You can use it everyday but I think everyone will rather you not. Clue 2: Would prefer you to clean it before every usage but some people will not. Clue 3: You can use it anytime you like, in whatever mood you are in. Yup, so basically from these 3 clues, the big word is you can use it.
I penned @ 10:38 pm
0 comments
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
~Decipher this~
I had a strange dream a few nights ago. Any dream analyzer (what's the proper name for them?) out there wanna tell me what it means?
I normally don't remember the strange dreams I had but somehow this was stuck in my head. And normally, they really don't make sense at all, being really ridiculous and out-of-this-world, but this one is more like a scene out of a movie or something.
It started with me and 2 other friends, a guy and a girl, running across this hunting ground-like field. I can't relate in real life who is this guy and girl I'm with. I could say I don't know them but in my dream they were my friends.
Anyway, the hunting ground is sort of like an amusement park thing for shooters and there were a couple of guys shooting at the targets. The targets were rows of human heads made of clay on a wall. So me and my friends were running across, trying to avoid being hit and apparently seemed to be on a mission to try to get one of the heads.
We ran right to the back of the field and I tried to grab one of the heads but it seemed like the heads were glued to the wall. As I swing my hand, the head next to the one I tried to grab became loose and I was able to take it off the wall. However, as I tried to put the head into my bag, the owner of the field came out and was right beside me, glaring at me and I had to put it back.
The 2 friends and I were suddenly at a safe place, dark and damp but safe. However, the guy realised that I was bleeding at the elbow and told me so. Sure enough, blood was seeping through the long-sleeved white shirt I was wearing at the elbow area. I then tried to fold up my sleeves to examine the injury but I was having a lot of difficulty 'cos the sleeves seemed to be stuck to my skin.
I finally managed to roll it up a little and found out that I was having so much difficulty b'cos there were lots of pus (weird...shouldn't the white top be stain yellow as well with so much pus?). The guy then started cursing...something along the line of "Those bastards! They've poisoned the heads!".
Anyway, I managed to roll my sleeve all the way up and the guy proceeded to take my arm to examine it. He then started slashing my arm, you know, like the way sadistic and suicidal teenagers carve their arms. I was shocked and asked him what he was doing and he replied that that's the only way to remove the poison.
So line by line he started carving my arm, the whole length of it. I didn't feel pain though I was making faces but when he almost reached near the shoulder I had a thought, "So this is how teenagers feel when they carve their arms. It quite relaxing actually." I was surprised at myself for feeling that it was relaxing but by that time, the guy had already ran out of space on my arm to carve. I was relieved thinking that it had ended. But I was wrong! I was shell-shocked when he proceeded to carve 3 little lines perpenticular to each line.
I do not know if he did it for every line but I think in my dream I knew he was going to. I do not know b'cos after he did the first line, I fainted in my dream knowing that I have to suffer more cuts and...........
I woke up.
I penned @ 5:16 pm
0 comments
Sunday, June 12, 2005
~Yawnz~
For the first time in a very long time, I'm feeling sleepy at this time. My bio-clock had been screwed up very badly for the past few weeks. Sleeping after 3am (once at 5.30am!) and waking up after 12 noon.
But today bo pian, woke up at 9.30am to go to manchester to meet my friends. Once again, my initial purpose of going there fell through except for the meeting friends part.
I planned to go there, hand-over the luggage for my friend to bring home, chat with them a while and head off shopping on my own. (yes, I'm weird. I prefer to shop alone.)
In the end, I met them. We went for lunch and that lasted for 2 hours! The longest meal I ever had since I'm here. Had Dim Sum again but this time round it was much cheaper, but then again, there were lesser people. Did went in to mango and fcuk but there were nothing much. Then we went to sit, chat, drink and eat again at starbucks. After that, it was time to head home already and all shops had closed already anyway.
I could have shopped if I wanted. But paiseh lahz, ask them to shop around with me. And my friend (the other only female) only shops in branded stores so she will be bored stiff in the cheapo stores I go too! Haha! It was inconvenient with that heavy luggage as well, although I have nothing to do with it after I hand it over to the guys! lol! But he's doing me a favour mahz...must be considerate.
All in all, it was not too bad a day. It was nice to hear "imperfect" english. Oh ya, and for the first time since I'm here, hear someone else shout "chee bye". Yes, my guy friend did that loud and clear in the middle of chinatown...I forgot why.
Did I mention that I didn't spend a single cent as well? Other than the coach ticket to get there and to buy some chinese pastries. Hehe...yup...they treat me all the way. I wanted to pay for all their drinks at starbucks but they refuse saying I lugi 'cos I would be paying for more people.
Don't really see the logic. Probably 'cos they are sort of like one family (bro, sis & bf) so no matter which 3 of them pay the money is sort of from the same source? If you get what I mean. But I feel kinda bad, 'cos they spend money to come down meet me, treat me and then can only reach home at 11pm due to 1hr of travel, another 1hr of waiting and then another 2 hrs of travel, all so to help me bring my stuff back to sg.
This trip is weird, but feels good, that I went with hands full and came back empty.
I penned @ 9:41 pm
0 comments
Friday, June 10, 2005
~Look what I've got!~
Yup! Went shopping today!
First, I went to get coach tickets to manchester for this sunday 'cos I'm meeting my friend who will help me bring some stuff back to singapore first. Then I went to get a luggage to put the stuff in so that he can bring it back.
I then went to the city centre and look what I have here....
Please don't ask me why I got beckham. I don't know it myself! Haha! The girl ask me what name I wanted and beckham came out instinctively. I sort of regret it now so don't make it worse by asking why I got beckham! Haha!
Damn...should have gotten rooney. Ahhh....I hear another round of pui, boo, yucks and kena sai. Haha...but he's good at football mahz although he's a prick. Maybe I'll get one more with rooney....*hearing everyone scream "NOOOOOOO"*
Should I, should I not?
Oh ya...and got this too...
Yup yup, the england band and the original anti-racism band (money goes to charity and not those fakies that pple are making and the money goes into their pockets!)
Didn't spend so much before in a day since I've got here!
I penned @ 10:47 pm
1 comments
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
~It's a chore too!~
Isn't it ironic that sometimes asking someone for a favour is such a chore too? Yes, by that I mean a chore to the person looking for the favour and not the person doing it.
I hate asking people for favours but sometimes it's inevitable. Sometimes, it can be soooo inconvenient for you too...I mean, you are asking for the favour so most of the time you have to let the person do it on their own pace right? Unless you need it urgently. And even when you give someone a fix time to do it by, sometimes they dilly-dally, never give you an affirmation and you end up not knowing if they are gonna do it or not! And in the end if they have not done it, you got to think of an alternative and sometimes it can be too late for anything! It pisses me off 'cos sometimes it really does my head in!
Arrrrgh.....so if I ask a favour off you, please at least assure me if you are gonna do it or not. If you might not be able to, tell it straight in my face. Don't make a promise if you are not able to do it.
Which brings me to another point. Let's keep it short and sweet. I fucking hate people who make promises and don't keep it. I treat promises very seriously so don't hand out promises to me soooo easily and readily! 'cos if you break it, it will make my blood boil and I assure you it won't be a pretty sight!
I penned @ 12:10 am
1 comments
Sunday, June 05, 2005
~Thoughts & Self-reflection~
Warning: Really, really long entry...and probably boring too....
I've been getting real emo these few days. Thinking about a lot of my feelings. I realise I'm not happy these few days. The only thing that keeps me happy is that I'm going home soon; gonna see my my mum and dad who is coming soon, gonna see my grandma's lovely face again and taste her (though not so delicious these days due to her tastebuds deterioriating) meals prepared with much love.
A couple of nights ago, childhood memories flashed past my mind. It almost seemed like I was dying; you know how they always say that your life flashes past you when you're dying? How I yearn to be a child again. So free and without worries. Not knowing the evil and bitchy side of this world. I cried myself to sleep.....
I wanna be free. To do and say whatever I please. Without caring others opinions and impression of me. Hoping in that way I would be happy. But somehow, deep inside I know I won't. I'm too self-conscious. I like people to think good thoughts about me. But somehow, that always fail as well.
When I try to be humble, people say I'm proud and stuck-up. When I show sympathy, they think I'm mocking them. I like to be a pleaser, giving in to almost everything and that's why i'm a push-over and everyone takes advantage.
I'm naturally shy, and once again, people think I'm proud and arrogant. "You? Shy?" laughs everyone. The confidence you see is just on the surface; a facade I put on when I'm actually shivering and hiding in a corner inside. Maybe that's why I'm perceive as being arrogant; looking all confident but withdrawn and unapproachable.
Why am I always perceived in a wrong way? When will someone see me for who I really am? This is the reason I started the blog and hence the name. Only when I write my entries I do not have to put on a facade and no longer is a paradox.
I read a quote a long time ago that says something like you can't please everyone, there's someone who will bound to hate you and in the end, you will hate yourself the most.
I'm not trying to make everyone like me. I know there are bound to be people that hate me and likewise, there are bound to be people I hate. But I try my best to stop that from happening. Maybe that's what is happening to me.....I'm hating myself the most.....
I remember a time when I was so carefree and innocent. Not giving a damn about what others think. All that changed when I was in pri. 4. 'cos you see, it's not easy being 10 and in a class where more than half the class despise you 'cos they think you don't deserve being in the same league as them b'cos you are "stupider" than them. And have someone confront you, saying that you don't deserve to be in the best class and she should be in there instead because you are "stupider" than her.
It is then I started becoming withdrawn. I started doing things I have never done before. I was always a good kid and did all my work. But that year, I hardly touch 80% of my work. I hate my teachers and they hate me.
That was one of the darkest stage of my life and the shadow of it is still hovering around me. Thinking back, I was probably depressed. No one knew about this until now that I had spilled it out. My parents never knew and probably will never know 'cos my family is not one who talks about our feelings openly.
If they had known, I wonder if all this will end up differently? They always say that your past mold you into what you are today. I think that was the first step in molding me.....
I penned @ 2:42 pm
3 comments
Saturday, June 04, 2005
~Quote of the day~
Accept that your life will never be the same again.
"I hear you, you're saying that you want to change your life, that's why you're on this journey. But if you think about it you'll find that what you really crave is not change but added extras. You still want your loved ones and your special places to hide. You still want to indulge in your fondest pleasures and keep hold of your spirit. You might not be able to. Accept that."
-Alison Bond, How to be Famous
I penned @ 7:42 pm
4 comments
Friday, June 03, 2005
~I'll be back soon!~
My flight back to s'pore had been confirmed yesterday! Woohoo! I'll be back on the 23rd of July!
But sorry guys, I most likely won't be able to meet you guys on that day itself. Firstly, 'cos I would most likely suffer from jet-lag. Secondly, I miss home and I want to spend a day doing stuffs at home like playing PS2 on my new 37" LCD TV (after nagging at my dad to get it for ages, he finally got it! lol!), playing the organ (wonder, how thick the dust is on the cover) and maybe swimming! And I would probably be busy unpacking and stuff as well.
So I'll meet you guys the next day ya? Unless you wanna go clubbing or have supper that night then I don't mind! Haha!
Oh ya, this is your last chance to request stuff for me to get for you. To have an idea what I can get, go here and here .
Man u fans please don't ask me to get man u stuff. I don't wanna get wallop by both supporters and non-supporters. And if you claim yourself as a man u supporter you should know not to anyway 'cos man u supporters are bycotting the new owner. If you don't know that then you are not a supporter.
I penned @ 5:31 pm
2 comments
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
~Random rantings~
Nothing much to blog nowadays.
I realise I'm doing exactly the same thing I was doing a year ago only at a different place. Sitting on my backside and doing nothing all day except sit in front of the computer or telly, eat, sleep, bathe and the occassional shopping trip.
Now that my stay here is ending soon, I'm spending loads of money! Hahaha! Buying lots of "wants"! There's still this cap I wanna buy...but it cost 9 pounds...S$27 for a cap!!! Actually I also dunno cheap or ex 'cos I hardly buy caps and the only one I bought was about that price from topshop. Think I will get it...haha...can't help it. It was "want"-at-first-sight!
I WANNA GO TO ALTON TOWERS! But I don't have the right company to go with. Argh...I wish all my friends are here so that we can go there together!
I penned @ 11:46 pm
0 comments
~
